I always wondered how or where you got the determination and ability to love me the way you do, knowing that you didn’t grow up with an example. I always understood that one of the reasons you chose fatherhood was because you wanted to make a difference in my life because you wish you had that in your childhood. The lack of knowing who your father is or was, his ethnicity, interests, hearing his voice was a luxury you were never gifted, but you sculpted a blueprint for yourself despite that. It needs to be said, I believe you did amazingly well because I truly look up to you and strive to make you proud of me.
A true gentleman and photographer, My Father
Photo taken by Carolyn Gray May 27th 2023
Even though your story is still being written, I love to imagine the way the world looked through your eyes at every stage of life to understand the complexity that is Ricardo. While Nana (paternal grandmother) was a beacon of activism and owning ones voice, she had her faults as a mother that created scars on you that has painted filters on your view. Some filters are healthy and some were not. Many parents grew up in hardship, and I am grateful that you and mommy did everything in your power to protect me from the same monsters y’all dealt with. Monsters that didn’t live in the closet that revealed itself to be an oddly folded sweater, but real monsters in the form of people or experiences that molded your minds. I truly believe that the minute you saw me slide out of my mother (lol) that you chose to cement this role to forever protect me and NEVER leave my side.
Not many people know that you and mommy made a difficult decision in sending me to Aruba for a few years (when I was an infant/toddler) to live with Oma (maternal grandmother), Aunt Lona and Uncle Frank. While this is common for a lot of Caribbean children to experience and was a way for the two of you to get a bit of breathing room to solidify finances and career foundations; I wasn’t planned so you wanted to ensure no mistakes were made when it came to taking care of me in all forms possible. However this was a very hard concept for you to live with, and till this day you still have to self soothe the pain that brought you to be separated from me whenever you are reminded. You would take time to fly down and spend as much time as you could with me and even learn untraditional ways of communicating with me because technically I began to speak around the time I moved there and English was not my first language. Papiamento was, and while you admired the language you didn’t understand a lick of it. But we communicated with our eyes, hand pulling and show and tell. You knew that I fully understood who you were to me and that you loved me, and that must have brought you some form of solace.
He always said that he was a bit nervous holding me because he knew infants are delicate and didn’t want to breathe too hard on me LOL . I look like I’m thinking “what a nose on this guy!” LOL! Love you daddy!!
When I moved back to the states, you made it a point to be present in every aspect of any environment I was apart of. Parent council at my racist ass elementary and middle school, basketball coach, carpool dad, my number one support in the physical and mental. You tried your best to steer me when so called friends of mine mishandled my kindness, even though you really wanted to either wring the kids neck or their parent’s neck LOL. You knew that some things I have to figure out on my own but you would at least communicate with me so I knew how to weigh options in life. The grace and respect you gave people in scenarios (good and horrible) made you a role model and the reason why I am able to create and maintain healthy connections. I was your co-pilot for all out of state photography jobs, and we have always been two peas in a pod. Two moments that bring delight was the time you had to be held back from spazzing on a racist teacher who taunted me. Two: taking over the school’s entrance way with a Black History Month display that showcased items like the original Time magazine with Corretta Scott King on the cover commemorating Dr. King’s passing. You always had my back and you always showed how proud you were to be a BLACK FATHER. The entire elementary and middle school knew not to mess with Mr. Gray’s child. You exposed me to the NAACP and black culture from working photography jobs like political marches and African American Festivals. You exposed me to musicals like West Side Story, artist like Peter Frampton and Tina Turner. I didn’t love Hootie and Blowfish then, but their lyrics soothe my soul whenever I’m homesick. You explored the world in you own way and shared all of his findings with me and I will never take that for granted.
Daddy, Nana, and I at the Million Women March in Philly (not sure what year but mid 90’s)
I don’t want to pretend that there was never darkness in our relationship. But it doesnt overshadow the good. At this big age I think back to tough moments and I’ve redefined my perspective. The issues you had to navigate in the relationship with my mother, then and now; I still have a hard time with certain truths. However I understand human complexities and have learned to not blame my existence for your relationship struggles in the past and that you are just doing your best with what you know. When you and I have growing pains, I understand to be a difference in age and experience. I try my best to take my time living through that. I’m from the last generation that played outside, the era of D.A.R.E. and AOL dial up; and you’re from the world of actual clean air, simplicity and child abuse barely being a concept. We are of same blood but we are not from the same worlds and it shows from time to time but it’s beautiful when we slow down to learn from one another.
I know I am not your mother, but your soul is also uniquely connected to mine and I SEE YOU and feel you. You are beautiful to me. I overstand your complexities and only ever wanted you to sore high from the sacrifices you made for me. And while you tell me all the time that I am your greatest achievement, I still strive to prove to you that you still have the ability to alter that story for your personal win. You have loved and fathered me enough for more than one lifetime, and I pray I get you as a son in the next lifetime so I can give you my shoulders to fly off of so I can repay you for what you have done for me.
I love you Daddy, and Happy Father’s Day
xo, Carolyn Maria aka A True Daddy’s Girl