By Troy Mattison Jan 2023
It’s so strange to share this on a Sunday. The Lord’s day (if you believe). A day of rest….. But I wonder if anyone else feels this way. Or Felt this way because I’m healing from it now.
Quick Disclaimer, I am not pushing my faith on to anyone. I’m going to share how I connect to my version of spirituality and I believe everyone should have their own unique connection. Everyone follows a different path with their religious beliefs or practices and I feel that’s the beauty of humanity being grounded by something bigger than us. And if someone doesn’t have a belief then that’s welcomed as well.
Easter came and went, and it was the most disconnected I felt with my faith and with my connection to God. God to me is many things including my religion. God is peace, guidance in life, happiness, and something that grounds me. I have been rebuilding my practices supporting my faith with fasting, reading the bible, praying and tuning into church online. ( I will share my dark history with church homes and why I feel safe only viewing online another day). I have been working really hard and keeping my head down, and looking to meet my maker half way. Coming into 2023 I decided to expand on a vision placed on my heart from years ago and to further my career in content creation. I asked for God or Universe to guide me and to confirm to me that is the purpose of my existence. I had many confirmations before the year turned so I said “Ok bet, let’s do this!”
So I went into grind mode while everyone was resting from the holidays and I was yielding results and more confirmations that I am dwelling in the realm I belong to. And then it went kind of quiet. I thought 2022 was a rough year, but 2023 has felt confusing, lonely, irritating and time is GOING SO FAST. So fast that it feels like I haven’t done much, Quarter 2 is here staring at me, and the work I’m doing feels like it isn’t resulting in anything besides stillness. I continuously feel like I’m not doing enough. So, I felt resentment in my faith. My belief is, if I work hard, do good unto others, and pray and believe in it, God will meet me half way with what he promised to me.
So Easter came, the spirit felt missing in my body. I felt horrible for that. I felt like I failed my faith and myself, again. This past week I forced myself out the house to enjoy the weather and to people watch. I cleaned my house, added flowers (which I haven’t done in a while) and I purged my closet and swapped it for spring. It took me 4 days to reopen my bible app and read a scripture and I actually connected to it. Most times I will read a verse and have to read it again. But I still felt shame about my weeklong disconnect. I told this to a friend and he shared that he felt the same and that he prayed for God to confirm him. “To help me feel seen God”…. And that’s what hit me hard. I haven’t felt seen by my faith, I feel like I’m in the dark!
I literally feel I’ve been driving on this path. It started off smooth, but some how I’ve hit a stretch of that’s unpaved road and there are no street lights to guide my way. It’s been dark for weeks! And I can’t see anything, no other drivers are on the road, and I’m not sure if I’m still heading in the right direction because GPS doesn’t work on this road map called LIFE. You are lead by good faith and gut instinct. Driving a car on a dark road on good faith and instinct is terrifying and I feel that’s where I’m at right now.
God doesn’t bargain with us, he gives us exactly what we need, in his timing, and unique packaging.
When times feel confusing and dark We have to seek the stars, that will cast a little light and guidance until we get a crisp view of the path again. The little stars are the lessons the universe sends when you feel blindfolded. After I said my prayer, asking to be seen (and I said it with all of my open heart, yearning for it) I felt my prayers were answered within this one weekend.
The verses that were given to me by the Bible app focused on rebuilding faith. I focused on gratitude. I received payment I had been waiting on FOR WEEKS since I completed a project, I gained two new styling clients that I feel will be a delight to work with! And finally, two people came up to me confirming that I what I do helps them feel good. While money is always a blessing, it was the people (or I like to call God’s angel messengers) confirming me in my craft that always ignites what I thought was dimming in me. And I am so grateful.